2 DAYS, 2 WORLDS

My head is still spinning and aching and my purse is empty after a few hours inside a game for mad people, called 'shopping in the city'.

I knew something was going to stop me from spending another full day outside with the birds, the plants and myself as soon as Alex came to me, all smiles, last night after his karate class. His jacket needed embroidering with this and that by Friday and, of course, he was going to be too busy to see to it. Would I mind? "No, no of course not," I said, imagining a quick trip to some little local shop where it would all be sweet and lovely and ever so cheap ! Over night I thought of a few other things I needed to do anyway so thought to combine the lot into one tiny trip to town. The whole embroidery thing went like a dream (and so did my money) once I found the place but from then on it was like jumping head first into a washing machine that had gone mad and didn't stop.

Right, bathers. After losing a fair bit of the 4kg I had decided I needed to lose before I would go anywhere to buy bathers, I felt confident and rather skippity doo about a bit of shopping. After all, isn't that what women are supposed to adore ?? Lots of clothes and handbags, shoes and make-up, nail polish and jewelry - these things are thrown at me if I mistakenly think it would be nice to watch some programme that happens to be on commercial TV. Well, it took all my considerable will-power to persist long enough with this one task of buying bathers to complete it without killing the sales-woman as well as several other customers ! I decided jail was not a good option just now. I even bought 2 pairs of bathers - so I won't have to go back to town for a very long time !

Jeans next. I had tried this game before, but obviously was not in a strong enough frame of mind to complete it. Bathers bought I naively asked where I might find jeans. Oh there's this brand here and that brand there and more expensive options further along - but I got the look that said ' but that wouldn't be for you' . "No, no" I said, "I mean, you know, those big racks with dozens of different jeans all-in-the-one-place". I think that must have been before this person was born because she looked at me as if I was the mad one, shaking her head sadly and suggesting another shop might be better for me. And so it went on. Shop after shop. Evidently people these days like their clothes all spread out and expect the customers to walk and search until, like me, they feel exceedingly hungry and angry and, if you know me, then this is a bad, bad combination.

It was time to get food - nourishing, warm and good - then I would find jeans if it killed me. The food was even worse than the clothes and the owner of the cafe was stupid enough to ask me if I enjoyed my lunch !! Big mistake. I told him it was crap - that raised one eyebrow - then he asked why - and my answer rapidly raised the other eyebrow. I explained that, when the menu said mushrooms, I didn't think that meant one mushroom, sliced paper thin and that bocconcini was similarly a plural concept.... He thanked me for my opinion but I don't think he will ask for any others anytime soon.

Eventually I bought some jeans. Well, it says jeans on the label but what ever happened to good old, strong, blue denim - straight leg, mid-rise, no fading, no worn-look, no boot-leg and not thin cotton? They have them in the men's section of every shop but women are delicate and sweet and like tiny pockets and embroidery and light-weight material. Not this woman.

As the time had gone into yet another hour in the car park, I decided to try to chill, as son Hugh would say, and went to Billy Baxter's for coffee - where Hugh goes. Admittedly the coffee was good but it was impossible to find a seat (although the place was nearly empty) that I liked. I am sure the poor lad making the coffee - with a nasty looking piercing through his lip - saw me as a complete lunatic as I moved from one seat to another! The first one I chose blinded me with a huge red neon sign indicating I was at Billy Baxter's. The second was too close to the coffee machine and noisy fridge. The third seemed OK but I soon couldn't stand the incessant flashing of a million Christmas tree lights outside the window. By the time I had moved again, the lad was chasing me around the cafe with my coffee so I sat at the nearest table where I was distracted by the awful thing hanging from his lip !

All the time there was noise, noise, noise. When I got out of the carpark I shut the windows all the way to the bottom of Mt Osmond Rd then I threw open everything and laughed out loud, like a crazy witch flying along on a broomstick.

Funny, isn't it - yesterday I spent from 9am to 7pm in the garden, with about 1/2 hour for lunch and I felt great. Today I spent 3 hours in town and I could scream. Helps to explain why there are so many problems in the world.